So, here we are: my first non-recipe blog post.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Imma jump right in. Do you ever get so overwhelmed with the “bad” things: injustice, hatred, and, sometimes even worse, the indifference that permeates the very air we breathe? Indeed, doesn’t it often feel worse and more hopeless when someone just doesn’t care instead of openly detests? The laws of chaos govern the natural sciences, and thus they govern the world we live in. Chaos is what we are all hopelessly at the mercy of. If you ask me, this sort of unruly governance seems as though it couldn’t possibly spawn anything good.
In this thought process, acknowledging that chaos is the norm, I must note that “good” things: opportunity, privilege, pleasant turns of events, splendid luck, or even pure neutrality– are the exceptions. Sometimes I get so damn used to my cushy little life that I forget these nice things I’m accustomed to are not the norm. Each “nicety” I experience has overcome the odds of being something neutral, disappointing, or worse- downright shitty. Each turn of events that is anything-better-than-neutral is something special, just for me. And in your life, just for you.
Whether you believe the universe beams love upon you through sunshine and roses and good luck, or that God has blessed you richly as a reward for spiritual diligence and prayer, or you just plain lucked out because you’re a certain nationality (how appropriate!)- I don’t believe I can continue to entertain doubt that positive things are not the norm. They happen often in my life, much more often than negative things, and therefore I feel blessed. On a net scale, my life is in credit, not debit.
I have come to terms with the above reasoning.
However, there is one thing I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to brainstorm my way out of fearing, or believing to be true. I fear that there are people who will go their whole lives without knowing reciprocal love. I mean this in any sort of way, from platonic to romantic. There are many people who want nothing more than to be loved by certain acquaintances, neighbors, or family members, and they will never once during their time on earth be granted this love in return. I think about this so deeply and so often that sometimes it keeps me up at night, or makes me tear up seemingly “randomly” while going through my day. In my life, I have both received more love than I felt comfortable accepting at the time, and felt so betrayed and downtrodden by those who claimed to love me that I thought I would never recover. But I did. Granted, recovery brings baggage (sometimes of such heft and weight that it would be a fucking nightmare to check with an airline). I just wonder about the people who won’t, or can’t, recover. My heart hurts for them.
I believe it is an aspect of the human condition that the more depth of emotion we are exposed to, the more deeply we can sense and explore our feelings, and as a result, the more readily we can empathize with others. I am not sure if I feel this way because I have “daddy issues” or because I’ve been lied to and cheated on more times than I can count on both hands, and probably a foot or two. I don’t pretend to be a sad person who has been irrevocably wronged, because I’m not. I am a largely happy individual, but we are all more sensitive than we want to admit. We all have sides to us that others have not seen, and cannot imagine. I guess, in my head, I wanted the purpose of this rambling to be a reassurance to anyone reading it that they are loved. But truly, I am not sure I can make that promise. And that’s what scares me, and keeps me up at night. Nothing is certain. Uncertainty really messes with my head. I’m a “put all your eggs in one basket” kind of lady. I don’t half-ass, and I don’t mess around with the things and people who are important to me. Therefore, the outcome of acting on uncertainty can cost people like me everything. Coming out on the wrong side of uncertainty is not only emotional, but often a devastating life setback. So, in lieu of pretending I know jack shit about the universe and the way people work, or letting my mind run in circles around a track of hypotheticals, I’m in bed with truffles and Netflix. Nothing extinguishes the looming darkness of uncertainty like hella dark chocolate, am I right? I might not be able to fight fire with fire, but I will fight darkness with dark chocolate. Because logic.
Anywaysssss, if anyone feels unloved- you can talk to me. I love ya.
P.S. Thanks Nicole for the Valentines’ Day truffles. I only have one left. I know you read this blog earlier, so chances are you’ll be back to see your name here. I bet you’re smiling right now, reading this. XO.